Matthew Ord

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My camera attacks, but it was hella funny

Matthew Ord is a Mario Kart DS player, ultimately. Here is his short biography.

The Early Days

Well, where do I start?

I was born a long time ago, possibly some time in the 13th century. It's that long ago, that I forget the exact date.

I was born as part of the infamous MacSween haggis hunting tribe. They were the finest hunters of the haggis in the land, using bait made from a secret recipe, closely guarded to this day. Using not only their expertise in hunting, but also their finely crafted muskets, they swept across the highlands, becoming the most feared clan in existence.

Running the clan was no easy task, however. An almighty power struggle erupted in 1566, where the clan's council could not agree on who was to become the clan's newest leader. I, Ord MacSween, was one of those deeply involved in this power struggle. However, as with most of us, I failed in claiming the position of clan leader, and was forced to defect from the clan forever. My family fled, and our MacSween name had to be dropped, for our own safety. We became the Ord clan, dropping the MacSween name in it's entirety, with myself, Ord, adopting the new personal name of Matthew. We settled north-west of Beauty Firth, in the area now known as the Muir of Ord.

As a very small clan that consisted of a single small family, we needed to acquire funds in order to buy the materials for making our family home. We had to put our haggis hunting skills to good use, by selling the excess haggis that we did not need for ourselves, to the people of the nearby town of Inverness. This did not last long, unfortunately, due to the great haggis depression, where many a haggis fell victim of an unknown disease, killing most of them. Haggis became too rare to hunt, and the Ord family lacked the funds to run as a clan. We had to break up, and join families in various towns throughout Scotland, in order to survive. With no clan to rule, my operations became underground, and out of the public eye completely.

In the early 19th century, I enlisted to fight for Britain in the bloody Boar war (not to be confused with the Boer War), where the boars were threatening to overthrow the British rule of our land over in Africa. The boar were fierce, wielding frightening weapons (which are presently known as chainsaws). We could kill them at range with our rifles, but at close range, our swords stood no chance. Thankfully, the boar were in too low numbers to reach us before we shot them. We were victorious, and returned home as heroes.

Karting Begins

After leading a very long, and war-torn life, I retired into normal civilian life in the early 1990's, shortly before mario kart was invented. I got hold of my very first games console in 1999, which was a gameboy colour, with super mario bros deluxe. Many a fine day was had while playing this game. It was not until 2004 that I experienced play on a mario kart game, which was the excellent double dash. I enjoyed playing it a lot, but I played many games at this time, so I never worked on time trials. In late 2005, I got Mario Kart DS, and very much enjoyed it. When I unlocked the staff ghosts, my interest to achieve fast times first awakened. I played the tracks a lot in order to beat each ghost by several seconds. I felt triumphant, and very accomplished in the art of time trialling.

Discovery of the Player's Page

In late 2006, I was on youtube, and stumbled across a world record video of a track on MKDD. I was quite impressed. Then I saw the link to the MKDD player's page, showing ranks and world records for each track. As I had played a lot of MKDS recently, I looked to find an MKDS equivalent, and was pleased to find one. When I saw the standard of times being set by the top players (such as Sascha Brauninger, and Thomas Bolton), I was shocked. How can one get a time of 1:34 on Luigi's Mansion? I thought that 1:50 was a solid time! So I furiously played away on each track, improving every time, before joining the page at 188th.

MKDS Movement and Achievements

My movement up the charts to the top 100 was very fast, as I achieved this in about 1 month. Moving up the ranks within the top 100 was not a swift process, however. The year was 2007, and this was the year where the activity here would shape the top 100 for years to come. With players such as Ted Kim and Michele Magnaterra improving just a few ranks ahead of me, climbing up the ranks was tough. Although I was constantly moving, other players slowed this movement down considerably. It took me a year to get from 100th to 20th.

Although I didn't play constantly since then, I have never left the game. In August 2009, I finally got my first WR, which was set on Retro Choco Mountain. This record lasted about a week. Greater success came in mid-late 2010, however, when I finally broke into the top 10. After passing Fabien and Giulio, two former #2s, I reached 7th, which was as far as I could go without delving into an AF graveyard. Although my AF has improved by about 4 full points since then, I have not yet moved up a rank. In this time, I got 3 Non PRB records (which still stand to this day), and all but 3 of the GOD standards. Will I ever achieve these standards? Only time will tell...


The 2012 Karter Contest
Round 1 Groups | Round 2+ Bracket | Matchups & Results

(BOLD indicates contest winner)


(1) Enchanted Woods Creatures
(2) cool not
(3) Wop Wop Wop
(4) nice wr
(5) Raphael Nadal Super Fans
(6) I <3 Shemales
(7) 100% Hetrosexual
(8) Move It Move It

Finn | Duff | Eoj | Aron
Thingy | Cole | RVZ | Firewaster
Roy | MVT | G-Danzee | Mihawk
Zarkov | Chraizy | NMeade | nstins
Etch | Neo | Utter | Brutus
Sword | sn1989 | TB1 | Math
Pierre | Pobre | MrL | Genesis
KoopZ | ALAK | LeeBoon | Oneshot

Honko | Shock | Frigz | NikeXTC
Zwiebel | BPA | padz | Happy
Spril | Sully | Make That Jump | ShitoRyo
KVD | Web | Kouider | Abel
Mick | Vince | Mario86 | Kmacc
Boom3r | TJazz | TvL | Meaks
MJ | Tuomas | Lafungo | Fank
Jones | Booth | Camster | Shaun

more like Group J (9)
Expert C in girls (10)
Boobs & Rapping (11)
Cheaters R Us (12)
Pokerstars (13)
Cleverdudes + Meaks (14)
A Randomly Expressed Group (15)
40+ (16)